In her post from Sunday, Honeydeath was wondering how certain behavioural patterns women are taught and expected to follow by society can conceivably exist. The very idea that a woman can be taught to be meek and mild and not allow personal boundaries, in short a doormat, seemed a foreign concept. That maybe it had more to do with society in other Western countries where the gender roles are much more defined and, in this day and age, old fashioned than it does here.
I've thought about this all day, and how I would respond, for I feel I do need to respond.
My name is JD and I used to be a doormat.
Let me start off by saying I will not get into particular sorded details of my history. This is not the forum for that kind of thing. What I will say though is this: a lady never raises her voice, a lady doesn't show her emotions for the world to see, a lady never makes a scene, a lady is always gracious.
I wonder how said lady would react to being called a whore for ignoring unsolicited attentions while walking down the street, being commanded to bare herself for the gratification of passing motorists, being informed that a fellow pedestrian desires nothing more than to osculate her breasts? The best she could do, I bet, would be to ignore it and hope they don't follow her down the street.
There are idiots in some aspects our society who truly do believe that women are soley created for the gratification of men. That we are nothing more than their playthings, put on Earth for their own amusement. When we refuse to pander to their whims, nasty stuff can (and unfortunately does) happen. I grew up amongst some of them. There is a very fine line to walk between standing up for yourself (and being called any manner of bitch) and towing the societal line. Luckily for me, I have a mum who is actually reverred as a lady and a dad who would beat the living snot out of anyone who so much as raised a pinkie to his family, so I never really had to walk that line.
I was raised to believe that a woman can do anything she likes, be anyone she wants to be. This, however, was undermined by the obvious gender roles my parents embodied: dad worked, fixed the car and the house and did the lawns on his days off while Mum fixed our meals, cleaned the house, and was bored senseless but was uncomplaining and gracious. I wasn't raised badly (in fact, I had it pretty damn good), but my parents really didn't understand the contradiction they were living.
I do, however, have to fight with myself everyday to stop being a doormat. That what I want is important, that my opinions matter, that it's OK to say no and mean it regardless of the situation, that emotion isn't a bad thing, that I'm more than just someone's [insert relationship here]. I am also extremely thankful everyday I am surrounded by strong women and men who respect them.
My name is JD and I used to be a doormat. But I am getting better.
3 comments:
*hugs*
You are doing very well in fact. I have much admiration for your ability to be very clear about what you will and won't put up with and what you are going to do about that situation.
The difference between parental statements and observed behaviour is a difficult one to break. I'm only really just realising the effect my mother's behaviour had on me, and especially her injunctions to not be a bother and to never speak over 'adults'. Unfortunately I've never really given myself permission to believe I'm an equal adult. And yet, if you'd asked me I'd have stated that men and women are completely equal (see my response to Hunydd's original post).
Incidentally, it's not always a female thing only. I'm noticing men are doormats here at times, weighed under by the expectation of being a 'gentleman' and I'm slowly giving J some breathing space to actually establish what it is he wants to do, rather than feeling like he has to continually be in service and smoothing the way for everyone.
Social norms are complicated!
I think it's interesting that you say your parents were living a contradiction. I wonder how much of that was because of the era, their age? That for 'kids' to reach out and be whatever they wanted to be was A Good Thing, and proper, but people their age had done their dash? They would have still been a part of the lifetime-career crowd too. Society would have found it odd if they had decided to reinvent themselves.
Knowing you now, I would not ever have known you were a 'doormat'. I see you as someone who is often in the background at parties, but only when it doesn't matter. I cannot imagine, that in a situation that did matter, you would be silent, or allow anyone to do something you didn't agree with.
I'm feeling very lucky to have been raised in a family where nothing much mattered. An educated, wonderful woman who taught me 'this is how it WAS', and a bunch of people who said 'this is how it is this minute'. Society? That's other people, isn't it?
In an indentity conversation with my Yr10 girls recently, I offered the personal information that I don't much care for the label 'woman', for me. I don't think about it, it's not an issue. They couldn't understand, because they are told everyday that they are Women Getting An Education, and will be Powerful and blah blah blah. Can't we just raise kids?
I guess Hunydd's post suggests we can't. But I still don't care much for the label woman - I'm just a 'folk' (thanks Scout).
Hm. I should have put this on my blog.
K: The ability I've gained for not putting up with nonsense is something I've developed in the last few years. It was something I had before puberty, but then it went away with my determination to not stand out, to be part of the crowd while I was in my teens. There wasn't a single event that reduced it, it just went away and it took me joining the SCA to begin to develop it again. It sounds cliche, I know, but it's true. And yes, social norms are complicated!
BT: Yup, my folks were of the era where your job was your job for life. (I come from a long line of working class folk - 'career' wasn't a term you'd really apply to the kinds of employment they had to do.) However, my folks had a string of working class jobs that were, essentially, defined by their gender. Mum was a waitress, nurse (old school on-the-job-training), in-house model, go-go dancer, theatre usher(ette) among many and my dad was a truck driver, mechanic, stable hand, motorcycle tester (anything with horse power really). It was a hard thing to break that mold of what my sex is defines what jobs I can undertake. Not that I can't work, just what I can work as.
As for being a doormat, most of my pals now know me since playing medieval. I have changed. Being around strong, intellegent, independant women has had an amazing effect on me. It reminded me of who I was and that I am strong enough to remove myself from situtations in which I am uncomfortable, to not be scared of what's out there in the big bad world and to respect myself enough to be myself not who someone wants me to be. A lesson that was reinforced a few years ago and one I'll never forget again. I'm always in the background at parties because they can still be a bit overwhelming, especially with the crowd we hang around!
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