Ahh, Paddy. Love your work.

[Written by Paddy Neumann on the Rowanites email list, 31/3/08]
As I've been reading along, occasionally nodding, chuckling or slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand, I have come to the conclusion that what is needed here is some manner of educational drive, as none have really grasped the science at the core of this problem. Sure, people can prattle on all they like about soundwaves from a point source decaying as the inverse square of the distance of the listener, about the interesting interference effects that arise on reflections from multipe sources including the thermopause-like layer that was bound to form at that site, about the muffling effects of foamed polymers and the inferred root cause of all this bother; a solvent called ethanol.
But the areas that deal with these effects are acoustic physics, wave mechanics and biochemistry; all three notorious bastions of handwaving, faulty argument and superstition! To properly understand what's going on here, you need to employ some REAL science, such as Grog Flux Theory. GFT is the current best understanding we have of the effects of alcohol on the human body, and as such has been under development for centuries. For the purposes of this email, I will focus on the Relativistic Interpretation of Grog as a Holy Nocturnal Occupation (RIGHNO; gotta love those physics acronyms!).
RIGHNO theory is well understood, and it is the sort of phenomenon which we observe in our daily lives, but the theory, through much employment of mathematical manipulations of mind and matter, gives a coherent structure to it all. After numerous pages of necessary blather, one eventually reaches a point where there are easily testable predictions, but some of that blather is necessary, as shown in the below paragraph.
Firstly, one must understand the concepts of Grog Flux and Density. Simply put, this is the flux of grog through an interface (positive direction inwards), with the SI unit of Pastuers per square metre per second, or the imperial unit of Prescotts per mouth per sidereal day. Thus, when one consumes an alcohlic libation, one achieves a state of positive grog flux, and when one is eliminating alcohol from the body, by any of diverse methods, one is in a state of negative beer flux. Integration of grog flux over time, and normalistion by a characteristic length (often the length of an extended middle finger), yields the Grog Density of that individual, measured in Pastuers per cubic metre or Demiprescotts per cubic barleycorn (like most physicists and engineers, I hate the imperial system of measure). Thus, one can imbibe, raising one's Grog Density with the use of poistive Grog Flux (becoming "tanked" or "stonkered" in the jargon of the field), and slowly "sober up" over a longer period of magnitudinally lesser negative Grog Flux.
Now, onto some predictions; RIGHNO theory is relativistic in origin, thus everything depends on your frame of reference. The stonkered observer is in his own reference frame, and thus observes the world as different to that perceived by a sober observer. That is, in regions of high Grog Density, mass, time, length and charisma are distorted by an amount related to the net Relativistic Grog Flux and total Grog Density. This happens through the use of a long and complicated equation which shall be omitted for brevity, but the curious reader may note that it uses Beam's Transform inside Toohey's Equation, both of which build upon the Jameson Supposition.
Practical examples of this abound; such as the fellow who, when tanked, believes he is singing with the voice of a great and mighty bard, and all those around the campfire in a similar state of inebraition agree and encourage this fellow. However, due to charisma distortion effects, a sober observer hears something like the bastard offspring of a dying chainsaw and fingernails being drawn down a blackboard.
When the sober observer attempts to communicate this difference inperceptions, a subtle combination of time and space distortions inherent in grog fields gives rise to a phenomenon known as Rantshift. Similar to the Doppler Effect, the Black Douglas Effect alters the cogency and impact of any transfer of information passing through a region of changing grog flux. Thus, the sober observer who, in their own frame of reference is delivering a calm and polite request to stop this noise so people can sleep, has their words altered by their transport. The stonkered observer hears a message whose cogency has been increased, but whose impact has been lessened. Thus, like the thick hide of the African rhinocerous, very little penetrates to any good use. Brevity forbids me from a discursion into length distortions preventing other pieces of.... information penetrating, but I shall continue with the rest of this example.
Now, the stonkered person will attempt a reply to this Request, but the Black Douglas Effect kicks in, causing Rantshift. The Reply, leaving the stonkered individual, is distorted, having its impact increase at the cost of its cogency. Thus, what started as a request for forgiveness and a desire for reconciliation so full of decorum that even Cicero would be agog, is altered into some manner of churlish drunken rant. Sad, but that is the nature of Relativity; Sometimes you shine like a star, sometimes you collapse into a black hole.
Thus, Grog Flux Theory is yet another manifestation of the Law of Conservation of Fun. However, the kicker is that, as with all other relativistic theories in physics, All Reference Frames Are Equally Valid. There are those who, through dint of great effort and experimentation, are able to function in any region of Grog Flux known to science. These heroic individuals are able to recognise Grog Density Contours and tailor any message that originates with them so that they can communicate with their fellows, either tanked or sober, in the fashion intended.
Now, this should all be taken with some degree of caution as the study of Grog Flux Theory is a vigorous and growing field, and these phenomena may have a superior explanation in furture, such as one that marries RIGHNO and the QUantum EAsement of Superpositional Inebriation (QUEASI). Oneday, we shall have the answer!! {snip}
PS If anyone is interested in more discussions on GFT, I recommend we meetup and learn through experiment. You bring the booze. Patrick Reinhard Christian Neumann